i was a kaleidoscope

today/part 2 : a buffalo amvets

Mon, 28 Feb 2005 00:50:04 GMT

books : 3 for a dollar

The Biological Basis of Human Freedom
American Geographical Society Series
- Columbia, Norway, Central America, ect
Euthyphro, Apology, Crito
The Theory of Democratic Elitism
Poverty in American Democracy, A Study of Social Power
How To Be A Jewish Mother, A Very Lovely Training Manual
Light In August, A Critical Commentary
A Composition Handbook

hmpfh; i heart huckabees

Sat, 26 Feb 2005 19:41:43 GMT

A friend called me last night and said to get a job and save a bunch of money and this summer we'd go back to Europe. I told her I wanted to backpack through South America before going back to Europe, even though I've been feeling ridicously homesick for Toledo and London and Paris. This call sent me into a frenzy though, and I did 25 ink drawings from old photos.

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Also: I got accepted at my safety schools:
Webster University and SUNY New Paltz
Webster offered me a $3000 scholorship too.

sup new tshirt

Sat, 26 Feb 2005 19:32:21 GMT

8am and it's a beautiful day.

Fri, 25 Feb 2005 13:13:07 GMT

karrah beth\stephen maxwell\cassanova ali

Thu, 24 Feb 2005 23:16:49 GMT

We shuffled through birth certificates for 8hours. I'm glad that I have no concept of time, so that what seems like half an hour is actually 2hours and 15minutes. Two boys (with different parents) were born on the same day, in the same hospital, and both named: Noah John.

[I wasn't doing anything important,
but atleast I was doing something.]

Thu, 24 Feb 2005 23:05:32 GMT

again, again: Clarence Antique Store

Thu, 24 Feb 2005 00:26:41 GMT

Mon, 21 Feb 2005 20:58:14 GMT

"you can't swim in a town this shallow"

Mon, 21 Feb 2005 18:45:59 GMT

the window view at 6am

Mon, 21 Feb 2005 13:46:03 GMT

Book of Haikus : Jack Kerouac

Sun, 20 Feb 2005 21:54:09 GMT

"Haiku, shmaiku, I cant
understand the intention
Of reality"

This girl has gone sour.

Sun, 20 Feb 2005 17:36:22 GMT

Today my brother, the atheist, got confirmed and is now considered a man in a church which he does not believe in. I bit my tongue to keep from laughing. The woman gasped when we shook hands, and said "Oh dear, your hands are ice cold." I said "I know. I think it's a sign." I was his sponsor. I am not an atheist but I do not believe in God anymore. I believe in parts of certain religions but not one entirely. I believe in the 10 commandments, and am currently in love with the thought of reincarnation, and like a lot of daoist ideas. But I don't think a person really needs a religion, and should focus their life on themselves instead of devoting it to some unexplainable, seemingly non-existent, almighty creator.

I firmly agree with Chuck Palahniuk:

"We just are, and what happens just happens."

My dad is going to BryLin for a week.

Sat, 19 Feb 2005 22:10:17 GMT

She reads, and she sighs.

Sat, 19 Feb 2005 15:19:41 GMT

I want to see russia before I die.

Fri, 18 Feb 2005 17:47:00 GMT

In a past life Osip Mandelshtam was my comrade and we sat outside the university where he recited his poems to me. I was confused then. My russian was poor; my pockets were empty; my feet were always very dirty but I felt content. Osip had brown eyes. I thought they should be blue. His soul was the Pacific Ocean. I wanted everything to match. His voice was quiet and I loved him.

"I was like a child in that world of sovereign power;
I was afraid of oysters, glanced askance at guardsmen,
And spiritually owe nothing to that world,
Save I may have suffered in the semblance of others."

He was the key to the worlds existence, or at least my own, and when died in 1940 I thought Russia should be destroyed, and the Pacific drained. The people revolted. They called me a spy and I hid behind my sunglasses and did not speak for weeks. I saw him in a dream once. He told me to leave the country. I woke up in Paris, with fifteen cents in my pocket. He never spoke to me again.

I blanked out on both my quizzes.

Thu, 17 Feb 2005 20:34:05 GMT

"I felt dreadfully inadequate. The trouble was I had been inadequate all along. I simply hadn't thought about it."

I know you know I know.

Thu, 17 Feb 2005 02:58:40 GMT

17

Tue, 15 Feb 2005 03:31:51 GMT

"Holly you were born in the wrong century."

I want to take part in a revolution. I want to make a difference. I want to change society. I want to change the people. I want everyone to understand the importance of individualism and realize that creating themselves based on pop culture, on latest fashions and entertainment idols, is destroying whatever individuality they were born with. I want people to realize the uselessness of TV and how pointless and cliche things are, and how radio hits and blockbuster movies are only produced to make money, to take your money and your time and provide you with nothing meaningful. I want people to stop wasting time, and start doing something to fix themselves and the world. I want people to stop killing people, and animals. I want an end to religion. "I am ashamed to think how easily we capitulate to badges and names, to large societies and dead institutions." I want people to dedicate their life to exploring themselves and not a god, or gods. I want "a world in which nothing is deemed more important than the loves, cares, and needs of human beings." I don't want money to be the point of lives or careers or marriages, of anything. I want to believe people are generally good although they constantly prove otherwise. I want to live in a world that's not controlled by money or greed or hidden agendas. I think everything needs to be destroyed, and we all need to reborn into a world we would have to create. We would be new and changed and would learn to love each other and create our own views and work together to create a society where there is no evil, and people are truly themselves because they would know no other way to live. We could do something impossible. We have that power.

They closed Como Park...

Mon, 14 Feb 2005 01:07:10 GMT

4:33pm :

Sun, 13 Feb 2005 00:23:19 GMT

I waited in the passenger seat, sleepy and covered in an old jacket, listening to a cd I loved more than I could ever love you. It's just music, you used to tell me, you should not be so attached. I yawned. I took pictures of traffic while it snowed and I watched my breathe become foggy ghosts that kept me company as seven minutes and twenty seven cars passed by. You finally came out smelling like smoke and it made me dizzy. "This was not the right place. There was a hole in the wall that went through to another store. Men came in and were gambling. It was real shady." I warned you before you went in. I told you this was the wrong place. You didn't listen, you never listen, and I wonder how incompetent you think I am. Still, you are greater than me and you learn from your mistakes. "I'm never going back there." You turned on the heater. I looked out the window. A girl stood on the corner waiting for the light to change and I called her deja vu.

night flash vs grey sky

Wed, 09 Feb 2005 01:17:29 GMT

colour or color

Sun, 06 Feb 2005 01:52:42 GMT

3; and the great LAWRENCE RAAB

Wed, 02 Feb 2005 21:37:19 GMT

"Now you're far off, and alone, and I have no advice you haven't allready given yourself. What can I tell you?

That I'm here? That today, when I saw how tenderly the light was moving among those trees, I thought of you?"

1-2; clarence town park yesterday

Wed, 02 Feb 2005 21:23:05 GMT

they removed the stiches

Tue, 01 Feb 2005 22:26:14 GMT

"Well Holly I guess I won't have to see you again. Not that I don't like seeing you. Just be sure to call if you have any problems." I don't know if he was married. I hope he was. He would make a good father. On the way out I saw a door in the floor under the stairs that I wanted to explore, but I got districted by a man who was either deaf or drunk who was talking to a receptionist at the window looking for a place that would fix him and the pain in his side. She told him three times he was not in the right place. A woman in the grey chairs coughed and I thought she might have tuberculosis but there wasn't any blood. They made sure to wash all the blood down the drains. They always passed regulations. They didn't have any problems. None of us did anymore. Upstairs a baby was crying and it reminded me of my father. I left. The blur between here and there did not shatter as I shut the door behind me. The clock kept ticking. I was hoping the chandelier would fall. I was hoping there would be something tragic. I was hoping for a distraction. But there wasn't and in the end we were all the same. Except you. But you didn't even realize and I guess that was part of life.